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“Because I Don't Know How!” – What Are We Really Saying When We Make Excuses?
In the morning, while getting dressed for kindergarten ...yet again..., I hear that familiar protest:
– Mommy, put this on for me, because I DON'T KNOW HOW!
When I answer calmly:
– We'll learn, I'll help you, you'll see that you can do it!
In response, I hear a categorical:
– Nooo, because IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
We sit there over those socks, and finally, with a smile, I ask:
– Or maybe you just don't feel like it? Or are you afraid you'll put them on backward?
And suddenly it hits me: we adults do the exact same thing. We’ve just learned to use more complicated sentences and built an entire adult philosophy around them.
I wrote a piece about this once, and today, looking at it from the perspective of a mother to an almost four-year-old, I see it even more clearly. All those sentences we toss out automatically every day are nothing more than our own adult smoke screens. Shields we hide behind so we don't have to admit something to ourselves.
What is really hiding behind them?
1. “Because I don't know how”
What the child says: They really are still learning or feel it’s too hard—but they also quickly realize that if they say "I can't do it," mom will put their shoes on faster.
What the adult says: I don't feel like putting in the effort to learn this.
Every single thing you can do today—from tying your shoes to driving a car or using complex software at work—was once something you DID NOT know how to do. Learning takes effort, and that's okay. But if you give up right away instead of trying... it’s not about a lack of skill.
2. “Because I don't know”
What the child says: They truly don't know yet and need an adult to explain the world to them.
What the adult says: I don't feel like searching for the answer. I don't want to take responsibility.
The world is at your fingertips—just type the question into a search engine or ask someone who knows. If you aren't doing that, a lack of knowledge isn't what's stopping you. That knowledge simply isn't necessary for you today, or you just don't want to find out.
3. “I don't have time”
What the child says: "I'm doing something else right now!" (And they are 100% honest about it).
What the adult says: This is simply not my priority.
My favorite classic. “I’d love to read/exercise/eat in peace, but I just don't have the time!” And then I catch myself having spent half an hour doom-scrolling on my phone. Time can't be bought at a store, packed in a bag, and saved for later. The clock ticks the same for everyone—the day has exactly 24 hours. When we say "I don't have time," we are really saying: "This is not my priority right now." And that is fine too, as long as we are honest with ourselves.
4. “He/she never has time, so I don't want to bother them”
What the child says: "I won't go near them because they'll yell at me, I'm scared."
What the adult says: I am afraid of rejection.
Instead of sending a quick text suggesting a walk, we build entire scenarios in our heads: "They're probably busy," "They probably don't feel like it." But maybe you're just afraid of rejection? Or afraid they might reply: "I can't today, but I'd love to on Tuesday"?
5. “First, I need to clean the house” – or anything else
What the child says: "I'm going to build with blocks so I don't have to clean up my toys!"
What the adult says: I'm afraid to tackle what's actually hard / I don't feel like sitting down to do the important stuff.
Oh, this was my flagship excuse back in university! Before every exam session, my place was spotless. I washed windows with a passion as if my life depended on it. I did a million irrelevant things just to avoid sitting down to do what was truly difficult. Procrastination in its purest form.
6. “It’s too expensive / stupid / boring”
What the child says: "I don't want this, so I'll just say it's stupid."
What the adult says: This isn't important enough to me / I feel like I don't deserve it.
We often say this out of habit, or because underneath it all we feel: "I don't deserve this." But look: when something comes along that we genuinely care about (for me, it was scuba diving—the gear, the trips, the courses), money somehow shows up. We shift our budget, we give up other things. The question is: is it really too expensive, or is it simply not your priority?
7. “Because everyone told me that...”
What the child says: "It wasn't me! He told me to!"
What the adult says: I'm afraid to take responsibility for my decision.
It's convenient to shift responsibility onto a parent, a relative, a partner, or a neighbor: "They said it makes no sense." When something genuinely fascinates you, or when real love is involved, the opinions of others suddenly lose all meaning.
8. “I simply can't”
What the child says: "The preschool teacher said we're not allowed to. Or the rules seem unclear, so it's better not to get in trouble and do nothing."
What the adult says: Fear of risk and lack of clarity.
I understand if you're sitting in prison guarded by a warder—then you truly can't. In most other everyday situations: YOU CAN. You just don't want to deal with the consequences tied to that decision.
9. “I’m too old / too young for this!”
What the child says: "I don't feel like it!" – they hear this often from adults, so they quickly adopt the excuse.
What the adult says: Fear of failure, fear of judgment, and a convenient cop-out.
This sentence can be uttered by a 25-year-old and a 70-year-old alike. And both are straying from the truth equally. Sure, you probably won't become a principal ballerina at a national theater if you start at age 35, but you can dance for fun. Age is often the easiest excuse not to even try.
10. “It’s not proper / that’s not how things are done”
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What the child says: "Other kids will laugh at me."
What the adult says: Fear of standing out from the crowd.
We feel we must stick to social norms and etiquette. But social rules are created by people. Many things that were once "unthinkable" are normal today—and vice versa. We often hide behind "shoulds" just to avoid stepping out of line and feeling the eyes of others on us.
Excuses repeated over years have a dangerous habit—over time, we start believing them and craft entire theories around our capabilities or the world. If you want a closer look at how we build these narratives, check out the separate analysis:
Only Two Reasons. Really.
When you strip away all the fluff, it turns out that underneath every single excuse lie only two actual answers:
I DON'T WANT TO.
I'M AFRAID.
And you know what? I think both are absolutely okay!
There is no need to be ashamed of your fears or your lack of desire. And you certainly don't need to announce your inner thoughts to the whole world. If you don't feel like explaining to friends why you don't want to go to a party, or if you feel your boss won't understand your concerns—go ahead and use a standard excuse out loud. Use your "lack of time."
But when you are alone with yourself, speak nothing but the truth.
Pause for a second and ask yourself a simple question: What am I really feeling? Do I simply not want to, or am I afraid of something?
A child doesn't yet have the full capacity to analyze and make completely independent choices—parents bear a huge chunk of that responsibility for them. But an adult possesses complete freedom.
Once you know your true answer, room opens up for an adult choice:
Is it worth pushing through?
Where can you find the motivation or courage to take the step?
What will be the real consequences of doing something—and of not doing it?
Which outcomes matter most today, and where do your true priorities lie?
The difference is that you stop living on autopilot. Every second of life stems from choices being made. When you know your real "I don't want to" or "I'm afraid," you regain full control—and you choose what to do next.
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